I had 87 individuals enter the Electric Picnic competition (by my count) and there can only be one winner.
I agonised (honestly) about how to pick the winner - I had friends, family and loved ones enter, and in the end, I had to decide whether I’d do it by joke, randomly or just pass the blame to someone else…
Step forward Lorraine Larkin… organiser of the Temple Street Children’s Hospital fundraiser last weekend… I asked Lorraine to pick a number between 1 and 87
She came back with “30”
and then because of the way that comments on this blog are set up…
I got her to pick whether it should be 30 from the top or the bottom…
and so the winner was going to be the 30th person to have commented…
Now, some of the comments had jokes like
A brain and a set of jump leads walk into a bar. The set of jump leads finds a table (it’s early enough and fairly quiet) and sits down. The brain goes up to the bar. ‘Two pints of carslberg’ asks the brain from the barman, an older type, like the barmen in Neary’s, respectful but no-nonsense… ‘Sorry’, says the barman, ‘can’t serve you today’. ‘What?’ says the brain, ‘look, we’ve just come in, we haven’t been drinking already, we’re respectable members of the community’. ‘Sorry again’ says the barman, ‘I just can’t serve yous today’. ‘Ah that’s ridiculous’, says the brain, ‘what’s the problem’. The barman gives him a look, not too long, about three seconds, and says … (wait for it) …
‘You’re out of your head’
‘and yer mate down there’
(wait for it again…)
‘looks like he wants to go and start something’
This Scottish farmer walks into the neighbourhood pub, and orders a whiskey.
“Ye see that fence over there?” he says to the bartender. “Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me ‘McGregor the Fence-Builder?’ No…”
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. “Ye see that pier on the loch?” He continues, “Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me ‘McGregor the Pier-Builder?’ No.”
“But ye fuck ONE sheep …
What do you call a video of pedestrians?
Footage
What did the horse say to the One legged jockey?
“How’re ya gettin on?”
A preacher goes into a bar and says “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?” The drunk says “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”
Warning Issued By Yorkshire Police:
Young people in West Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths.
This dangerous practice is known as ‘E by gum’ and should be reported immediately.
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile & dials 999.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts insulting the other.. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet and everyone listens to see what the other guy’ll say.. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other replies, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
It’s been a bit quiet on the internet today as many were present at the funeral of Darragh Doyle, Twitters most persistent bad joke sharing user…
In tribute, the vicar read out one of Darraghs ‘Knock, knock’ jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.
how did the mathematician cure his constipation?
he worked it out with a pencil
A blonde walks into a store and sees a t.v. that she wants. So she goes to the front desk and said “I would like to buy that tv.” Then the clerk said, “Sorry, I don’t sell to blondes.” She comes back the next day with red hair and she asked for the tv. The clerk said, “Sorry, I don’t sell to blondes.” The day after that, she came back with black hair and asked for the tv. The clerk said, “Sorry, I don’t sell to blondes” The day after that she came back with green hair and asked for the tv. The clerk said, “Sorry, I don’t sell to blondes.” She said, “OK, good job, but how did you know I was a blonde?” The clerk says, “That’s not a tv, that’s a microwave.”
A taxi man picks up a customer one evening and as they’re driving along to the destination the customer wants to ask the taxi man a question so from the back, where he was sitting, he pokes the taxi man on the shoulder. The driver gets such a fright he starts screaming. Obviously the customer is like woah calm down, what’s the dealio with you. The taxi man just says “Oh sorry, I drove a hearse for 17 years before this”….
a man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre…so the bar man gives him one!
Three statisticians went duck hunting. A duck flew out and the first statistician took a shot - the shot went a foot too high. The second statistician took his shot and the shot went a foot too low. The third statistician said, “We got it!”
A teenager asks his grandma,”Have you seen my pills, they were labled L.S.D.?” Granny replies “f##k the pills have you seen the Dragons in the kitchen??!!!!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver looks at the child and says “Jaysus missus, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” Outraged, the woman goes to the back of the bus and sits down. She says to the man next to her, “That driver just insulted me!”
The man says “You go right back up there and tell him off, love. Go ahead now - I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Suggs did a benefit concert for Amnesty International last week. It’s Madness gone politically correct.
and there were some creative replies!
The Picnic is a perfect place
for paisley people wearing lace
with freeky purple painted face
munching paella at such a pace
Electrified with prawns and peas
music pouring from their ears
They’re perched on lawns and some on trees
Livers poached with out dis - ease
Pinocolada? O yes please,
slips right down to the very knees
It is a sight to which behold,
as mind, body, spirit and the soul
All find their place, a perfect place
with healing hands and open space
The spoken word is full of grace
and poetry flows at its own pace.
Bikinis, wellies, loads o grub,
make sure your tent is in the hub
Dance your heart out party well
its time, its now, so what the hell
We love it so when augusts here
the pirate ship is full of beer
Electric picnic draws us near
and I can very nearly hear
the rythym of those distant drums………
Hold tight , were off, yeeHA,
here I come.
I’d sing you a song, whatever you desire
from ‘bad romance’ to ‘sex is on fire’
but realistically, my vocals would wreck your head…
so i think i’ll serenade you with a poem instead.
music, drink and craic with mates
3rd 4th and 5th are the dates
the best festival of the year by a mile
full of talent & loads of style
i’ve never been to the picnic & thought this would be my year
but i never knew the feckin tickets were so dear!
the cost made my eyes pop out of their sockets…
it would have burned a serious hole in me pockets!
i REALLY reaaally want to go to the picnic
and i don’t think i’ll have much luck with my euromillions quickpick!
so PLLEAAASEEE oh please pick me…
find me on twitter.com/lollimurphy
have I dragged this out enough yet?Okay, so by my count, the 30th comment from an individual on the post is this one:
An awful awful joke but congrats Kevin. I’ve emailed you already but you need to get back to me as soon as possible. If I haven’t heard from you by tomorrow (Thursday) at 12 noon, I’ll allocate the tickets to someone else.Thanks again ESB and Lorraine and to all of you for the jokes and comments and retweets. Really appreciated.
Unbeknownst to Kassie, her plans go awry when Wally drunkenly makes a last minute switch that isn’t discovered until seven years later when he finally meets her precocious – though slightly neurotic – son.
The Switch, the most unexpected comedy ever conceived.
